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The Four Levels of Erectile Dysfunction
If you have been following along, you know that November is National Erectile Dysfunction Awareness Month . Now, you may know that the causes for erectile dysfunction can range, but did you know there is an actional range for erection dysfunction itself? In fact, there are four grades of erectile dysfunction. That’s right, during the Viagra clinical trials in the 90s, the four grades of erectile dysfunction were established. To continue raising awareness this November, Popstar has the cheat codes for understanding the four grades of erectile dysfunction, or, in our case, the four levels of ED! Ready, Player One? Grab your joystick, press start, and let’s-a-go! (You may need to blow on the cartridge to get things going, but who doesn’t love a good blow.)
Level One: Grower, Not a Goer
Level One: where all gamers (and ‘bators) begin their journey. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Are you a grower or a shower?”
Well, dealing with level one erectile dysfunction is like being a grower but not a goer. Level one erectile dysfunction involves a slight increase in size but no rigidity. If we think of erectile dysfunction like the classic Super Mario game, level one ED is like having a super mushroom at the top of the level, but your game controller has no joystick. Mario is bigger but let’s just say Princess Peach isn’t seeing fireworks just yet. You aren’t ready to ground pound your way to pound town.
Think of grade one ED as a half-chub, but it stops there. While it may give you a little more girth for gray sweatpants season, penetration is simply not possible.
Level Two: Close But No Cigar
Leveling up! You’re getting there! Your penis is feeling less like a Squirtle and more like a Wartotle. You aren’t quite ready to blast your partner with a Hydro Pump, but you are getting close (any and all puns intended.)
Level two ED builds upon level one: You are hard but still not hard enough for penetration. For my more retro gamers (and no, we don’t mean old), it is best to think of level two erectile dysfunction in Pac-Man terms. Level two erectile dysfunction is like eating three out of four ghosts and being short a Power Pellet. You are hard, but not hard enough to penetrate the cherry if you catch our euphemism. While we are closer to the final boss, we aren’t out of this ED maze just yet.
Level Three: Between a C*ck and a Hard Enough Place
Level up! *insert video game sound effect* Level three erectile dysfunction is classified as being hard enough for penetration, but you could be a little harder. This next analogy goes out to those who remember BBMing on their BlackBerry devices. With level three ED, you aren’t quite bricked up like Brick Breaker, but it will do.
Level three erectile dysfunction is like beating the game, but you didn’t get the high score you were looking for. It wasn’t a flawless run. Mario may have made it to the top of the ladder, but Donkey Kong definitely hit him with a few barrels along the way. But hey, at least you made it to the orgasmic goalpost!
Level Four: Rock Hard
The final boss! In any video game, the higher the level number, the harder the level gets. The same rules apply to your anatomical joystick. The fourth level of erectile dysfunction is like having Super Mario grabbing a Super Star; your erection feels invincible. Nothing can bring you down (metaphorically and physically)! Other than maybe your parents walking in on you doing the deed. While level one can feel like you’re gaming (and gooning) on an Atari, level four feels like you have the PS5 of penises. The graphics and the climax feel like they are in 4K.
No matter what level you may be on, every gamer needs a walkthrough from time to time. If you are someone dealing with a lower level of erectile dysfunction, contact your primary care provider or urologist for the cheat codes and the best treatment options for you. To learn more about erectile dysfunction: the causes, treatments, etcetera, click here. Remember to keep raising awareness for erectile dysfunction and keep raising your flagpole this November and all year long!
Dr. Brian Steixner
Dr. Brian Steixner is a board-certified urologist and an expert in men’s sexual medicine. He completed his General Surgery and Urology training at The University of Pennsylvania and The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, one of the busiest and most comprehensive programs in the nation. During his career, Brian has treated thousands of men with sexual health issues including male factor infertility.
Dr. Joshua Gonzalez
Dr. Joshua Gonzalez is a board-certified urologist who is fellowship-trained in Sexual Medicine and specializes in the management of male and female sexual dysfunctions. He completed his medical education at Columbia University and his urological residency at the Mount Sinai Medical Center. Throughout his career, Dr. Gonzalez has focused on advocating for sexual health and providing improved healthcare to the LGBTQ+ community.
