What is BDSM?

BDSM is a concept (and acronym) with which we are all familiar. Especially after the billboard chart-topping smash collab done by Rihanna and Britney Spears, we are all at least familiar with the “S & M” part. Unless you are like me and initially thought Rihanna and Britney were seductively singing about M&Ms. What can I say? Chocolate excites me.

While BDSM is a term that is often thrown around, many of us don’t actually know what it stands for, or what it really entails. All we know is that it has something to do with sex, chains, and whips…until now. Popstar is back with the tips (and so much more than just the tips) on whips (and chains)! If that excites you, keep reading! Think of this as the ABCs of BDSM.

For the kinky neophytes in the chat, BDSM stands for:

• Bondage

• Discipline

• Dominance (Ok, there are two D’s, but BDDSM doesn’t have the same ring to it)

• Submission

• Sadism (Woah! Two S’s as well, who knew!?)

• Masochism

While Rihanna and Britney only focused on the latter half of the acronym, we are giving you the whole kit and caboodle. If you think about it, an acronym is kind of kinky in nature. What with so many letters being tied together and all. We will delve into each letter a little further, but essentially BDSM involves people being tied up (with consent, of course), and playing with power dynamics, but everyone actually enjoys it. This isn’t like a damsel in distress being tied to the tracks with a train quickly approaching a la a classic cartoon. Let’s cut into each letter like we are peeling back the layers of an orgasmic onion.

B is a great place to start. It makes the most sense alphabetically after all. Although, the BDSM kinda throws the alphabetizing system out the window putting M after S, but we digress.

Back to B. We have all been able to tie a knot, or tie our shoes since around kindergarten, or whenever Boy Scouts starts. Think of tying your shoes on a much bigger scale. Now imagine you or your partner are the shoes. Bondage is the practice of tying, or restraining someone in various contraptions for mutual enjoyment. Ropes, cuffs, scarves, neckties, basically anything you'd find in a well-prepared pirate’s ship—are all fair game.

Discipline might be reminiscent of getting in trouble for chewing gum in class, but in BDSM, it's much more fun and less embarrassing. It's a mutual agreement where one person (the Dominant) sets the rules, and the other (the submissive) agrees to follow them. If rules are broken, consequences might involve things like spanking, scolding, or having to endure a dramatic reading of your old Facebook statuses from 2009. The key here is that all “punishments” are pre-negotiated, and, believe it or not, everyone involved is on board.

Keep in mind that no one’s getting punished for real-life crimes here; this is more like a pretend provocative episode of Judge Judy. If you’re not into the whole “being punished” thing, you can always negotiate lighter consequences. Maybe you just get a disappointing look, like your mother gives you when you get a little too drunk at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Time for the silent double D and the first S in BDSM: Dominance and Submission. Now that we’ve covered discipline, it's time for the roles of role play! Dominance and submission are the peanut butter and jelly, the Mario and Luigi, the Simon and Garfunkle of BDSM. Dominants take control (within predetermined, agreed-upon limits), and submissives …well, that is pretty self-explanatory, they submit! Now you may be thinking, “Well that doesn’t seem fair.”

This becomes more mutually beneficial when you think of it as a power exchange, rather than a power imbalance. Both Doms and submissives have agreed to and enjoy their roles. So BDSM pros are even able to role swap.

When we think of the BSDM Dom stereotype, we tend to picture a large man, clad in a head-to-toe black leather ensemble complete with a riding crop, but that isn’t always the case. Doms come in many shapes and sizes, sans costume.

Another common misconception is that submissives are completely helpless. Subs hold real power as they get to set their boundaries and decide what they are comfortable with. If we think of this power dynamic as a road trip, the Dom may be in the driver’s seat but the submissive has the aux chord and sets the vibe for the ride.

The domination activities can be as light as saying “yes sir” in bed, or can range all the way to boot-licking. Remember that BDSM is not a “one size fits all” scenario. BDSM can be as customizable as building your own burrito bowl at Chipotle. Choose activities that feel comfortable, and safe, and above all else, make you feel sexy.

Just like dominance and submission go hand in hand, sadism and masochism go together as well. If dominance and submission are salt and pepper, these two are the oil and vinegar of BDSM.

If you think about it, BDSM is a lot like the Hot Ones wing-eating challenge. Stick with me, I promise it’s relevant. Just like each wing gets hotter, each passing letter in the acronym gets spicier as well. This is where the aforementioned RiRi “chains and whips” come into play. Sadism and masochism refer to the sexual pleasure derived from giving or receiving physical pain. This isn’t the type of pain where you hit your shin with a Razor scooter, this type of pain is planned and consensual.

Just like Doms and submissives, sadists and masochists have a power dynamic of their own. Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, while masochists enjoy being on the receiving end. This pain can include light choking (or not so light), spanking, flogging, whipping, pouring hot wax or even being tickled. As always, the choose your own Chipotle bowl rules apply. The golden rules here however, as always are: consent, boundaries, and safety.

Speaking of which! There is another acronym (we love acronyms) adopted by the BDSM community is SSC: safe, sane, and consensual.

• Safe: All activities should be conducted in a way that minimizes harm. For example, if you are into spanking, leaving someone’s bottom a little red is quite different than bruising someone. If you are using hot wax, make sure you know what you are doing, there is nothing sexy about a second or third-degree burn.

Speaking of safe, it is always a good idea to have a safe word. A safe word is a predetermined word (duh) or phrase that either party can use to stop the fun if it is no longer feeling, well, fun. A safe word can be anything you would throw into a Mad Libs game. A proper noun like “Stanley Tucci” perhaps? Nothing breaks up a tense moment like randomly shouting the dad from Easy A out loud.

• Sane: Well hopefully everyone you’re getting in the sack with is sane. When we say “sane” it refers to all parties involved being in the right frame of mind to partake in sexual activity. If you are tired, stressed, inebriated, or even hangry, it may not be the best time to partake in any letter of BDSM.

• Consensual: This may be the most important of the three. When it comes to any sort of sexual exploration (sexploration if you’re nasty), consent is a non-negotiable. Consent means everyone involved is willingly partaking and enjoying themselves. Remember that consent is ongoing. A consenting partner has the right to change their mind at any point so keep checking in and remember those safe words.

Or should we say a spanked bottom line? If you and your partner are looking to spice things up in the bedroom and move away from what can be mundane missionary, remember that all explorative sex starts with an open and honest conversation. Of course, BDSM has those infamous “chains and whips” but above all else, it’s about connection, mutual satisfaction, and exploration. Who knows? Bringing BDSM into your boudoir may strengthen the bond you have with your partner. After all, it is all about the acronyms!