Looking for a Third? A Guide to Your First Threesome

So, you’re thinking about having a threesome. Maybe it’s been a long-time fantasy, maybe the opportunity just landed in your lap (lucky you), or maybe you and your partner are looking to level up your sex life with a little outside assistance. No matter how you got here, one thing’s for sure: the best threesomes don’t just happen—they’re curated, crafted, and executed with the perfect mix of communication, chemistry, and confidence.

Let’s talk about how to make your first ménage à trois an experience so mind-blowing you’ll need a smoke break (even if you don’t smoke).

Before you start feverishly scouting like this is a fantasy football league, ask yourself why you want this experience. Is it about spicing things up? Fulfilling a bucket list? Just want to see if you can handle double the action? Whatever your reason, own it.

If you’re in a relationship, honesty is your best wingman. Is this something for both of you, or is it just your 40th birthday present? What’s the turn-on? What’s a hard no? Nothing kills the mood faster than realizing mid-thrust that you and your partner had wildly different ideas about what was going down.

Or fourth, if you’re feeling extra frisky. The right partner(s) can make or break the experience. You want someone who’s into it, confident and doesn’t bring drama. Ideally, you’re looking for a willing co-star, not someone who’ll leave in a huff mid-episode.

Where to find your perfect third:

• Dating Apps & Websites: Feeld, Tinder, and OkCupid all have options for ethically non-monogamous connections. But beware, sexy profiles don’t always mean sexy vibes IRL. Pro-tip: Make sure the profiles are verified. No check? No chat.

• Swinger Events & Sex-Positive Communities: If you like to vibe-check in person, these spaces can be your playground. Most people don’t advertise their swinger side out in the open, so finding people in the community may be hard to find. Make sure you know the signs for swingers.

• Mutual Friends: Tread carefully. No one wants Friendsgiving dinner to be weird because you banged your buddy’s sister.

Whatever you do, don’t rush it. Chemistry matters. A little pre-threesome flirting can make all the difference between awkward and electric.

Boundaries aren’t a buzzkill—they’re the difference between a fun, erotic experience and an accidental emotional meltdown. Here are some things to discuss beforehand:

• What’s on the menu, and what’s off-limits? Are certain acts a no-go?

• How will you handle jealousy? Even the most confident person can feel a flicker of "Wait, why aren’t they moaning as loudly for me?" 🤨

• What happens after? Is this a one-time event, or could it lead to something ongoing? What does the aftercare look like? Is your guest star staying for post-coital cuddling and a cocktail, or is this strictly transactional? Will they spend the night or rinse off and have the Uber waiting outside? Whatever you decide, know before you go. There is nothing more awkward than hoping your third gets the hint that you don’t want them to stay.

A mid-action pulse check is just as important. A simple "You good?" between gasps can work wonders.

No one, and I mean no one, looks good in fluorescent lighting. A great threesome is all about the vibe. You’re not holding a stuffy interview—you’re creating an experience. Some essentials:

• Choose the Right Space: Hotel? Bedroom? Just make sure it’s private and comfortable. If this is your first experience, maybe a neutral setting like your guest room. If you spring for a hotel, just make sure it doesn’t look like the set of Schitt’s Creek. There is no bigger boner killer than flickering motel lighting.

• Set the Mood: Music and dim lighting. No one should have to give head in overhead lighting. Light a candle, for God’s sake. You can also have a drink or two to relax (but don’t get sloppy drunk—this isn’t a tailgate).

• Stock Up on Essentials: Condoms, lube, and maybe a toy or two. Be a prepared host with the most.

Don’t drop your pants at the front door (unless that was previously discussed); ease your way in. Welcome your guest star and give them the star treatment.

• Start with Foreplay: No need to dive into an acrobatic orgy right away. Kissing, teasing, and slow build-up will make everything hotter.

Even with the best planning, things may take unexpected turns. Maybe someone gets nervous. Maybe someone’s rhythm is… questionable. The key is to stay in the moment and roll with it.

• Balance the Attention: There are no benchwarmers in a threesome. Make sure everyone has their chance at bat. Nobody wants to feel like they’re second string in their own threesome.

• Have a Safe Word: It sounds extra, but trust us—it’s a game-changer if someone needs to tap out or reset.

If you’re with a partner, take a moment to reconnect. If it was a casual thing, a simple "That was incredible" text can go a long way.

And if unexpected feelings come up? Talk about them. Every great team has a post-game analysis. Talk about what worked, what didn’t work, and what you would do differently next time (if there is a next time). Maybe you are a one-and-done kind of person, and checking it off your bucket list was enough for you.

When it comes to bringing in a third, confidence is king. Your first threesome should be hot, fun, and stress-free. Go in with clear intentions, communication, and a sense of adventure, and you’ll walk away with a story worth telling. So, are you ready to make this fantasy a reality?